Mama Confessions

I am not a super mom.
I’m not totally sure I want to be. I mean- don’t get me wrong- I do have a list of things I want to be:

thoughtful, kind, respectful, creative, humble, courageous, faithful, joyful

But super isn’t on the list.

I have thoughts that go something like this: “I want my kids to look back on me and think…”

My mom never got mad about stuff that didn’t matter.
My mom always encouraged me to think outside the box.
I feel like I can be and express myself because of the way my parents raised me.
My mom was always doing stuff for other people; she showed love through words and actions [but mostly actions].

But sometimes my perspective is off. And it sort of throws everything out of whack. The further you are invested in what you hold close to your heart, the stronger the desire to do it right. But a stronger desire doesn’t make anything easier. In fact, the more we’re invested, the more we realize the stakes, the easier it is to narrow your focus.

So I don’t want to be a super mom. But I do want to be a mom with a right heart. That sounds way less glamorous. And there’s no cape involved.

This week brought so many opportunities to question and clarify my perspective.

Praying for your friends is good. Only listening. Putting what you are focusing on aside. Friends who share their hearts. That’s a great way to gain perspective: grabbing someone else’s for a while.

Halloween made me mad this year. And kind of emotional. I’m upset that my kid can’t eat Snickers. There I said it. It’s so silly and pointless. But frustrating. It upsets me that I have to take her Halloween spoils and pull out all the “good stuff” and leave her with the Dum-Dums. You know the crazy part? I don’t even want her to eat that kind of candy! I don’t buy candy for her. I think it’s just the weariness of her constant questioning, “Why can’t I have that?” Because God made you special. Because it will make you sick. Mama can try to make something just like this for you. Do you ever get upset at things that you know are so superficial? While you’re upset you’re further berating yourself over your shallowness. But as much as I try to maintain a perspective, sometimes I just want my daughter to experience what a Snickers tastes like. But then I’m reminded of God’s will for our lives. For the way we cannot see big pictures and causations like a Heavenly Father can. I’m reminded of how the kids’ allergies have taken us on this amazing food journey that’s so wholly, so positively impacted our family. And then it all feels a little silly.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me.” -Psalm 51:10

I love that this verse says “renew a right spirit”. It’s not something you can pray for once and then have forever. It’s a journey. With stages. A seemingly endless pursuit.